Is it possible to fall in love with someone over time and not know it?
Does the fact that Bobby and I have kept in touch throughout the past year mean anything...or is the fact that most of our conversations being purely about sex mean that we just have amazing sex and the rest is whatever? Should I be bothered that we don't talk about any thing recent that we only talk about the past?
Or should I relish that fact as an escape from daily life?
So many questions............
Should I feel bad that I'm thinking about sleeping with him on his layover and he has a girlfriend that he would have just gotten done visiting?
Or should I just accept that obviously he can't care about her that much if he's sleeping with me?
Because, yes, I admit, they have history...but so do we!!
And now I'm just trying to convince myself that it would be ok...
Alas...off to work!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
What is success?
What do you have to do to be successful? Oftentimes, people would consider success to be making enough money to support yourself, or having everything you want out of life. But even if you have everything you want, does that necessarily mean that people would consider you successful in every way? I mean...there's many different types of things you can be successful in. There's business success, personal success, financial success, family success, education success...etc etc etc. But is there such a thing as life success? Is there a basic formula that says whether or not we can say we had a "successful life?"
I always thought that success would mean having all your dreams come true...
If I'm going off that assumption then what the hell am I doing? Has this always been my dream? Or is this ridiculous existence acceptable because I am "working towards my dreams"...but am I really? Let's examine my dreams:
1) Travel the world
2) Own my own inn
3) Meet a man that will love me for who I am
4) Start a family
5) Have children and raise them with cultural awareness
6) Experience all that I can
7) Make enough money to take care of my parents some day
Now that I'm out of college...I just feel like if I'm not working towards these things it must be a waste of time...I mean, what have I really done in the last three months?
1) Worked my ass of at a job
2) Started smoking weed again
3) Made some new friends that I'm not sure actually like me
4) Started a fuck buddy relationship
5) Ended a fuck buddy relationship
6) Actually had some pretty great sex (not that that really matters because I've come to realize that even if the sex was great if the ending sucked you never appreciate it in the end)
7) Missed my family like crazy
8) Felt very alone...
And then there's the constant feeling that I'm wasting time on my dreams...but then is three months really a waste of time? I mean I'm very young...but at the same time I traveled Europe in three months...so much can happen in three months!!
Am I really successful if I'm not happy?
I always thought that success would mean having all your dreams come true...
If I'm going off that assumption then what the hell am I doing? Has this always been my dream? Or is this ridiculous existence acceptable because I am "working towards my dreams"...but am I really? Let's examine my dreams:
1) Travel the world
2) Own my own inn
3) Meet a man that will love me for who I am
4) Start a family
5) Have children and raise them with cultural awareness
6) Experience all that I can
7) Make enough money to take care of my parents some day
Now that I'm out of college...I just feel like if I'm not working towards these things it must be a waste of time...I mean, what have I really done in the last three months?
1) Worked my ass of at a job
2) Started smoking weed again
3) Made some new friends that I'm not sure actually like me
4) Started a fuck buddy relationship
5) Ended a fuck buddy relationship
6) Actually had some pretty great sex (not that that really matters because I've come to realize that even if the sex was great if the ending sucked you never appreciate it in the end)
7) Missed my family like crazy
8) Felt very alone...
And then there's the constant feeling that I'm wasting time on my dreams...but then is three months really a waste of time? I mean I'm very young...but at the same time I traveled Europe in three months...so much can happen in three months!!
Am I really successful if I'm not happy?
Friday, March 16, 2012
The Seven Things I Know Right Now
1) Charlie is a dick.
2) I think he's bipolar.
3) I'm so close to being done except for the fact that I feel bad for the kid.
4) I want a damn good apology.
5) My throat hurts.
6) At least being pissed motivates me to run.
7) He's so gonna regret this.
2) I think he's bipolar.
3) I'm so close to being done except for the fact that I feel bad for the kid.
4) I want a damn good apology.
5) My throat hurts.
6) At least being pissed motivates me to run.
7) He's so gonna regret this.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Uh oh...
So hung out with Charlie again last night and this morning and I think I might actually be starting to like him...well...actually I'm not really sure lol
Cons: I hate how he's so loud and obnoxious in public all the time...I hate that he dips...I hate that sometimes he doesn't always tell me what I want to hear...I hate that he doesn't ravish me with free drinks and fancy dates.....
...but at the same time...
Pros: I love that he doesn't always tell me what I want to hear because if he did that would be boring and a lie...I love that he doesn't ravish me with free drinks and fancy dates because that really does simplify things sometimes and really does make it special when we do small inexpensive things like play catch and go for a walk...I love how I feel when I'm with him...so uninhibited like I can try anything...and there's never been something we've tried that I haven't enjoyed! He makes me feel beautiful in a way that no one else ever has...not just by saying it (which consequently he hasn't done), but by ravishing me over and over like he can't get enough...I love that things are so simple with us...I don't have to worry about what is said and what isn't said because we say everything to eachother...it's so relaxed when we're out with other people that we can even flirt and talk to other guys and girls but still know that we're going home with eachother...I'm just so comfortable with him...I even let him take a ton of naked pictures of me today for Christ's sake!! I never do that! At least not sober...and even when I was drunk that one time I never took in depth pictures and definitely none of my face...we had such a great time this morning just hanging out and fooling around and having sex...then afterwards he just held me and I fell asleep and woke up still in his arms and it wasn't weird. It was just nice.
I don't know...I think I might be in trouble with this one...I have to keep far away until I know that he feels the same way...wait...what am I even talking about, he's made it very clear that he's never going to feel the same way so I just need to either stop or get over possibly having feelings...this is the other problem...is it actual feelings I'm having or is it just a friendship/sex feelings...caring cause of the friendship and appreciative of the earth shattering orgasms he gives me...I would just stop because I know he would totally understand and support my decision, but I don't want to because the sex is so amazing!!! Maybe this weekend when he goes home will be a good break for us...although I hope we can hang at least once before then, especially since I have Wednesday off and he's supposed to leave Thursday night...
I honestly hope that he doesn't end up staying there all weekend cause of his ex....or actually I don't know, maybe it would be good for him to see her so he can GET OVER HER!!!
I need to stop...the second I start to have feelings for him...it's over...FUCK.
I just need to start seeing someone else or give myself space or something...
on the up side....WORK IS GOING EXCELLENT! :)
Cons: I hate how he's so loud and obnoxious in public all the time...I hate that he dips...I hate that sometimes he doesn't always tell me what I want to hear...I hate that he doesn't ravish me with free drinks and fancy dates.....
...but at the same time...
Pros: I love that he doesn't always tell me what I want to hear because if he did that would be boring and a lie...I love that he doesn't ravish me with free drinks and fancy dates because that really does simplify things sometimes and really does make it special when we do small inexpensive things like play catch and go for a walk...I love how I feel when I'm with him...so uninhibited like I can try anything...and there's never been something we've tried that I haven't enjoyed! He makes me feel beautiful in a way that no one else ever has...not just by saying it (which consequently he hasn't done), but by ravishing me over and over like he can't get enough...I love that things are so simple with us...I don't have to worry about what is said and what isn't said because we say everything to eachother...it's so relaxed when we're out with other people that we can even flirt and talk to other guys and girls but still know that we're going home with eachother...I'm just so comfortable with him...I even let him take a ton of naked pictures of me today for Christ's sake!! I never do that! At least not sober...and even when I was drunk that one time I never took in depth pictures and definitely none of my face...we had such a great time this morning just hanging out and fooling around and having sex...then afterwards he just held me and I fell asleep and woke up still in his arms and it wasn't weird. It was just nice.
I don't know...I think I might be in trouble with this one...I have to keep far away until I know that he feels the same way...wait...what am I even talking about, he's made it very clear that he's never going to feel the same way so I just need to either stop or get over possibly having feelings...this is the other problem...is it actual feelings I'm having or is it just a friendship/sex feelings...caring cause of the friendship and appreciative of the earth shattering orgasms he gives me...I would just stop because I know he would totally understand and support my decision, but I don't want to because the sex is so amazing!!! Maybe this weekend when he goes home will be a good break for us...although I hope we can hang at least once before then, especially since I have Wednesday off and he's supposed to leave Thursday night...
I honestly hope that he doesn't end up staying there all weekend cause of his ex....or actually I don't know, maybe it would be good for him to see her so he can GET OVER HER!!!
I need to stop...the second I start to have feelings for him...it's over...FUCK.
I just need to start seeing someone else or give myself space or something...
on the up side....WORK IS GOING EXCELLENT! :)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Ladies and Gentleman of the class of 99'...wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, where as the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way that you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you, and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never cross your worried mind, the kindof things that blind side you at 4 pm on an idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with your's.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 years olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either, your choices are all half chance, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have no where to do it but your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings, they're the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful who's advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
:)
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way that you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you, and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never cross your worried mind, the kindof things that blind side you at 4 pm on an idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with your's.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 years olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either, your choices are all half chance, so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have no where to do it but your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings, they're the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful who's advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
:)
Whoever said a good shower couldn't fix anything is an idiot!!
Didn't do much today, failed on exercising...kindof realizing that unless I stop being so lazy that's never actually gonna happen lol...
BUT something really good did happen today...I was able to hang out with Charlie tonight...and man did he miss me as much as I missed him...everytime I'm feeling doubts about that boy, he just turns it right back around lol. Since I wanted to start doing things other than just watch movies and fuck, when he texted me today I suggested that we do something outside since the weather was so nice. So when I got to his place, we went for a walk and played catch...we also went on the swings at the playground and I'm not gonna lie, it was really really great. We got to talk and hang out and laugh and catch up (because we hadn't seen eachother in a week). I also was sure to mention how I wanted to start trying new things and it was so great because we were completely on the same page. We went back to his house after and showered together and it was simply amazing...afterwards he went down on me for a while before we tried a new position (doggie style) and finished things up the normal way but seriously...some of the best orgasms I've ever had...this guy does not cease to amaze me...we also used this vibrating razor thing he has that he used while he was going down on me and it was just great...that's all I'm gonna say...definitely don't see myself getting bored with him anytime soon lol after all we both could barely walk after!!!
Found out that apparently Peter had been acting a little weird around Charlie at the beginning of last week...which is odd...also apparently him and Devon hooked up which totally makes sense now and kindof scares me into thinking that she will still hate me even more...whatever at least I'm being honest with her while she isn't honest with me at all!!
Hanging out with my Mom's college friend Karen tomorrow at 2 pm, maybe I'll try and get some work done on my taxes before that...we'll see haha
LOVING LIFE.
(But then again who isn't in a good mood after mind-blowing sexcapades?) ;)
BUT something really good did happen today...I was able to hang out with Charlie tonight...and man did he miss me as much as I missed him...everytime I'm feeling doubts about that boy, he just turns it right back around lol. Since I wanted to start doing things other than just watch movies and fuck, when he texted me today I suggested that we do something outside since the weather was so nice. So when I got to his place, we went for a walk and played catch...we also went on the swings at the playground and I'm not gonna lie, it was really really great. We got to talk and hang out and laugh and catch up (because we hadn't seen eachother in a week). I also was sure to mention how I wanted to start trying new things and it was so great because we were completely on the same page. We went back to his house after and showered together and it was simply amazing...afterwards he went down on me for a while before we tried a new position (doggie style) and finished things up the normal way but seriously...some of the best orgasms I've ever had...this guy does not cease to amaze me...we also used this vibrating razor thing he has that he used while he was going down on me and it was just great...that's all I'm gonna say...definitely don't see myself getting bored with him anytime soon lol after all we both could barely walk after!!!
Found out that apparently Peter had been acting a little weird around Charlie at the beginning of last week...which is odd...also apparently him and Devon hooked up which totally makes sense now and kindof scares me into thinking that she will still hate me even more...whatever at least I'm being honest with her while she isn't honest with me at all!!
Hanging out with my Mom's college friend Karen tomorrow at 2 pm, maybe I'll try and get some work done on my taxes before that...we'll see haha
LOVING LIFE.
(But then again who isn't in a good mood after mind-blowing sexcapades?) ;)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday at work...
So I haven't posted in a few days and a few new developments have popped up...
1) Had my meeting with Devon on Friday...didn't go as planned exactly...while she says she appreciates everything I'm doing, the phrases "you're everywhere" and "trying too hard" definitely came up more than once. This really frustrates me because the only reason I felt a need to be "everywhere" was because she was never around to give guidence...and when I did ask for help in the form of email or to her face, she was always "too tired" or "not in the mood to think." So to respond to this, she has put together a more structured plan of what she wants me to do. For example, I have a checklist to abide by everyday, and it is under my assumption that I'm not to foray from that checklist. She also is going to give me one project every week to complete and only one project...according to her this should help the whole "you're everywhere" phenomenon. However, according to me, this equals boredom. I don't think she understands that I work at a faster speed than most (especially her). I'm not one to just sit around and do nothing when I know there are things I could be doing at work. And it frustrates me to no end that she refuses to even mention what the other project ideas are to me until I finish the first one. *sigh* It also doesn't help at all that I feel like I'm constantly being compared to Megan...the superhero who used to be Devon's hospitality specialist that everyone worshipped the ground she walked on. Whatever, I guess I just have to conform and do what is asked of me even though I can see more positive ways for my time to be spent. It also really gets to me that she literally doesn't confide anything about her personal life to me. I would say that would be about professionality, but I think it might just be because she doesn't like/trust me. For example, today she was having a horrible day and you could really tell...like see it in her face and smile and everything, but instead of explaining at all what was wrong, she spends the entire day with Addison at the concierge desk venting to him, only to stop talking everytime I would come over! This also annoys me because Addison is definitely my talking buddy. NOT HERS! Hopefully things will get better soon....
2) The whole "giving up not exercising for Lent thing" is not going so well, I've exercised a bit, and truthfully more that I have in the past couple of months, heck more than I have since this summer, but still not every day like I said...this is only to be complicated by the fact that......
3) I finally have a roommate in the basement, he moved in yesterday and his name is Joe. He seems older, kindof looks a little like Drew Lauderdale. But him being there definitely complicates the plan to do aerobics in the basement on days when I have work. Oh well, maybe I'll just have to warn him and get the embarassment over with...its not like I want to sleep with him or anything haha
4) Speaking of sleeping with people...haven't slept with Charlie since last Saturday, thats a week and a day for us. Haven't seen Charlie since last Monday...and while it feels good in some ways, I'm still not too sure how I feel about him, so I'm anxious to hang out with him for a bit to figure it out. The only problem is since it's been so long since we've seen eachother, when I say hang out, he will hear have sex. It's difficult because there are times when we're apart that I really hate his guts for the things he assumes he can say and the way that he talks to me, but there are times when we're together that he really makes me laugh and I really enjoy his presence. It's unfortunate because the one thing that I do know that I feel about Charlie is that the sex is boring me. Hardcore. I can literally imagine in my mind how our sex starts and finishes. Every. single. time. I'll even do an instant replay just so that in the off chance in the near future I happen to forget (since I'm the only one that reads this blog), I will be able to remember.
Step 1) Put on a movie
Step 2) He starts rubbing my back
Step 3) He starts rubbing my butt
Step 4) He starts rubbing my butt under my pants
Step 5) He starts to finger me
Step 6) I usually pull away at this point and we start making out/undressing
Step 7) Once we're naked (takes about 20 seconds) he starts to "tease" me with his penis
Step 8) This doesn't last for long because once he's inside me he can't really stop that well
Step 9) We have sex for a while without a condom on
Step 10) His bed starts to move so we move to the side/edge of the bed with him standing
Step 11) He starts again
Step 12) I get off
Step 13) He decides he can't stand it without cumming any longer
Step 14) He stops to put a condom on
Step 15) We keep having sex
Step 16) He cums
I think the next time we hang out I'm just gonna tell him that we need to mix things up a bit if this is going to continue. We hardly even make out anymore and there's literally no foreplay...it just sucks because it feels like everyone else in my life is telling me I deserve more and he still treats me like shit. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate what he has, which makes me feel worse. Everyone wants me to drop him but I just feel bad doing that because I know that he's still bitter and upset from his last breakup. I just can't decide if that's an ok excuse to treat me like crap. We haven't been able to see eachother for a while so I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm hoping we'll be able to hang out in the next couple of days cause I have time off.
5) Enter Peter Zamaikas...there's not too much to say about him other than he looks super sexy in a chefs uniform, he's 32, I'm pretty sure he makes Charlie jealous, and I don't really think he's interested in me...but I do still have his pants so we'll see lol I've made a good effort to try and meet up with him to give him his pants back, but it still seems like he's not interested in meeting up. Maybe he'll text me tomorrow...I don't really want to keep his pants though so I'll definitely have to get them back to him eventually.
6) Planning on calling the animal shelter and SOME tomorrow to see the status of my applications, so hopefully that is good
7) Besides exercising, I think I'm gonna try and go to this Navy music thing tomorrow to celebrate African American History month, it's at noon which is a little early so I'm not sure if I'll make it, but I'm gonna try.
8) Oh new development on the roommate front...he's a talker...and a snuggler...fml.
1) Had my meeting with Devon on Friday...didn't go as planned exactly...while she says she appreciates everything I'm doing, the phrases "you're everywhere" and "trying too hard" definitely came up more than once. This really frustrates me because the only reason I felt a need to be "everywhere" was because she was never around to give guidence...and when I did ask for help in the form of email or to her face, she was always "too tired" or "not in the mood to think." So to respond to this, she has put together a more structured plan of what she wants me to do. For example, I have a checklist to abide by everyday, and it is under my assumption that I'm not to foray from that checklist. She also is going to give me one project every week to complete and only one project...according to her this should help the whole "you're everywhere" phenomenon. However, according to me, this equals boredom. I don't think she understands that I work at a faster speed than most (especially her). I'm not one to just sit around and do nothing when I know there are things I could be doing at work. And it frustrates me to no end that she refuses to even mention what the other project ideas are to me until I finish the first one. *sigh* It also doesn't help at all that I feel like I'm constantly being compared to Megan...the superhero who used to be Devon's hospitality specialist that everyone worshipped the ground she walked on. Whatever, I guess I just have to conform and do what is asked of me even though I can see more positive ways for my time to be spent. It also really gets to me that she literally doesn't confide anything about her personal life to me. I would say that would be about professionality, but I think it might just be because she doesn't like/trust me. For example, today she was having a horrible day and you could really tell...like see it in her face and smile and everything, but instead of explaining at all what was wrong, she spends the entire day with Addison at the concierge desk venting to him, only to stop talking everytime I would come over! This also annoys me because Addison is definitely my talking buddy. NOT HERS! Hopefully things will get better soon....
2) The whole "giving up not exercising for Lent thing" is not going so well, I've exercised a bit, and truthfully more that I have in the past couple of months, heck more than I have since this summer, but still not every day like I said...this is only to be complicated by the fact that......
3) I finally have a roommate in the basement, he moved in yesterday and his name is Joe. He seems older, kindof looks a little like Drew Lauderdale. But him being there definitely complicates the plan to do aerobics in the basement on days when I have work. Oh well, maybe I'll just have to warn him and get the embarassment over with...its not like I want to sleep with him or anything haha
4) Speaking of sleeping with people...haven't slept with Charlie since last Saturday, thats a week and a day for us. Haven't seen Charlie since last Monday...and while it feels good in some ways, I'm still not too sure how I feel about him, so I'm anxious to hang out with him for a bit to figure it out. The only problem is since it's been so long since we've seen eachother, when I say hang out, he will hear have sex. It's difficult because there are times when we're apart that I really hate his guts for the things he assumes he can say and the way that he talks to me, but there are times when we're together that he really makes me laugh and I really enjoy his presence. It's unfortunate because the one thing that I do know that I feel about Charlie is that the sex is boring me. Hardcore. I can literally imagine in my mind how our sex starts and finishes. Every. single. time. I'll even do an instant replay just so that in the off chance in the near future I happen to forget (since I'm the only one that reads this blog), I will be able to remember.
Step 1) Put on a movie
Step 2) He starts rubbing my back
Step 3) He starts rubbing my butt
Step 4) He starts rubbing my butt under my pants
Step 5) He starts to finger me
Step 6) I usually pull away at this point and we start making out/undressing
Step 7) Once we're naked (takes about 20 seconds) he starts to "tease" me with his penis
Step 8) This doesn't last for long because once he's inside me he can't really stop that well
Step 9) We have sex for a while without a condom on
Step 10) His bed starts to move so we move to the side/edge of the bed with him standing
Step 11) He starts again
Step 12) I get off
Step 13) He decides he can't stand it without cumming any longer
Step 14) He stops to put a condom on
Step 15) We keep having sex
Step 16) He cums
I think the next time we hang out I'm just gonna tell him that we need to mix things up a bit if this is going to continue. We hardly even make out anymore and there's literally no foreplay...it just sucks because it feels like everyone else in my life is telling me I deserve more and he still treats me like shit. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate what he has, which makes me feel worse. Everyone wants me to drop him but I just feel bad doing that because I know that he's still bitter and upset from his last breakup. I just can't decide if that's an ok excuse to treat me like crap. We haven't been able to see eachother for a while so I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm hoping we'll be able to hang out in the next couple of days cause I have time off.
5) Enter Peter Zamaikas...there's not too much to say about him other than he looks super sexy in a chefs uniform, he's 32, I'm pretty sure he makes Charlie jealous, and I don't really think he's interested in me...but I do still have his pants so we'll see lol I've made a good effort to try and meet up with him to give him his pants back, but it still seems like he's not interested in meeting up. Maybe he'll text me tomorrow...I don't really want to keep his pants though so I'll definitely have to get them back to him eventually.
6) Planning on calling the animal shelter and SOME tomorrow to see the status of my applications, so hopefully that is good
7) Besides exercising, I think I'm gonna try and go to this Navy music thing tomorrow to celebrate African American History month, it's at noon which is a little early so I'm not sure if I'll make it, but I'm gonna try.
8) Oh new development on the roommate front...he's a talker...and a snuggler...fml.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Things are looking up!
I am in a surprisingly good mood today, I don't know if it's because my room is finally clean...I haven't talked to Charlie in a few days...or if I'm actually excited to meet with my boss on Friday but things are definitely looking up...
I think I'm going to give up not exercising for Lent, I've never actually given anything up before, but I feel like this sounds like a good goal. Exercising every day for the next 40 days? is it possible?!? I guess we'll find out haha
Also, had a good conversation with the volunteer lady at the Humane Society yesterday, definitely gonna send in my application today...also...finally going to send in a letter to close my Commerce Accounts because my credit card debt with them is FINALLY GONE!!!
Planning to go to the Ash Wednesday service at the church down the road tonight, hopefully it goes well as this is really the first church I've ever gone to by myself...
Speaking of things I might be giving up, not really sure still where I stand on the whole Charlie thing...I like spending time with him and its not like conversation is super awkward or anything, but I'm not gonna lie, it's nice to be romanced every once in a while...and that doesn't even have to be like dinner or buying me things, just maybe taking his time a little more with sex or kissing more would be nice...gosh I'm such a girl...but seriously if our sex life continues on like this, I'm going to get bored really quickly and its not going to be pretty...I just hope he doesn't get upset, under that tough exterior he's still bitter from his ex leaving him and I don't want to just be another girl who was a bitch to him...sigh...
I'm excited because I'm going to go to my first staff meeting tomorrow at 3, kindof sad because I did want to wear heels tomorrow and the invite says no heels allowed so I guess I'll have to wear my flats that don't match as well with my outfit...also planning on maybe wearing a scarf to work tomorrow for the first time so we'll see how that goes haha, I'll have to look up some new stuff online on how to tie scarves for work haha
Talked to Aly last night, and while it still seems like she's being a little whorish, it was so nice to talk to her again, I think you take for granted the really good friends that you have until you can't see them all the time and it's a special occasion to talk to them...
Another thing I want to do today is research and seriously commit to a Spanish class, also maybe start researching a bit about Spanish online to see how much I can pick up from my general knowledge of Italian. I was hoping to get up early today to do something before service tonight, but now I think that all I might have time for is a quick run, maybe I'll see if there's a park nearby I can run to, that would be nice...:)
DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!!!
I think I'm going to give up not exercising for Lent, I've never actually given anything up before, but I feel like this sounds like a good goal. Exercising every day for the next 40 days? is it possible?!? I guess we'll find out haha
Also, had a good conversation with the volunteer lady at the Humane Society yesterday, definitely gonna send in my application today...also...finally going to send in a letter to close my Commerce Accounts because my credit card debt with them is FINALLY GONE!!!
Planning to go to the Ash Wednesday service at the church down the road tonight, hopefully it goes well as this is really the first church I've ever gone to by myself...
Speaking of things I might be giving up, not really sure still where I stand on the whole Charlie thing...I like spending time with him and its not like conversation is super awkward or anything, but I'm not gonna lie, it's nice to be romanced every once in a while...and that doesn't even have to be like dinner or buying me things, just maybe taking his time a little more with sex or kissing more would be nice...gosh I'm such a girl...but seriously if our sex life continues on like this, I'm going to get bored really quickly and its not going to be pretty...I just hope he doesn't get upset, under that tough exterior he's still bitter from his ex leaving him and I don't want to just be another girl who was a bitch to him...sigh...
I'm excited because I'm going to go to my first staff meeting tomorrow at 3, kindof sad because I did want to wear heels tomorrow and the invite says no heels allowed so I guess I'll have to wear my flats that don't match as well with my outfit...also planning on maybe wearing a scarf to work tomorrow for the first time so we'll see how that goes haha, I'll have to look up some new stuff online on how to tie scarves for work haha
Talked to Aly last night, and while it still seems like she's being a little whorish, it was so nice to talk to her again, I think you take for granted the really good friends that you have until you can't see them all the time and it's a special occasion to talk to them...
Another thing I want to do today is research and seriously commit to a Spanish class, also maybe start researching a bit about Spanish online to see how much I can pick up from my general knowledge of Italian. I was hoping to get up early today to do something before service tonight, but now I think that all I might have time for is a quick run, maybe I'll see if there's a park nearby I can run to, that would be nice...:)
DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!!!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Weird dream
Had a weird dream last night that I was getting married...and I wasn't happy...also I didn't see the groom once, so the mystery of who I'm going to end up with is still a mystery...although I do remember that I had beautiful flower arrangements which is a plus!
However...this means that I got horrible sleep...also my neck still hurts from yesterday, I'm blaming Pete's larger than average pillows because I'm used to my flatter pillows...none the less...off to work! Oh well, at least Devon won't be there today to be awkward...I really feel so much better about work when she's not around...which sucks. At least I have a constant stream of oldies music to cheer me up :)
Leaving soon to pick up Charlie cause we work at the same time...this should be fun...
P.S. I'm starting to get really annoyed that my right shift key doesn't work. :(
However...this means that I got horrible sleep...also my neck still hurts from yesterday, I'm blaming Pete's larger than average pillows because I'm used to my flatter pillows...none the less...off to work! Oh well, at least Devon won't be there today to be awkward...I really feel so much better about work when she's not around...which sucks. At least I have a constant stream of oldies music to cheer me up :)
Leaving soon to pick up Charlie cause we work at the same time...this should be fun...
P.S. I'm starting to get really annoyed that my right shift key doesn't work. :(
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Things I know I want
So since I'm on this whole...where is my life going thing...lets look at ideas I've recently had for what I might want or what might actually make me feel satisfied with life...
-to travel...ever since I've gotten back from Italy all I think about is going somewhere other than America. It doesn't even have to be back to Europe, I just want to go somewhere where I don't know exactly what's going on all the time. And yes there is something reassuring about be able to converse and read signs, but it's just too easy. A lot like how life is too easy right now...without challenge is there really reward?
-to be fluent in another language...enough said.
-to enjoy life, but be fit while doing it...this is tricky because I think it's a fine line. I want to be able to enjoy food and experiencing restaurants and fatty foods with friends, but I also want to look good...I need to start eating better.
-to do thing worth taking pictures of again...every night I find myself looking at pictures from Europe and how happy I was and how much I want to go back...I want to do things here while I'm here that I can take pictures of too and look back and enjoy memories of DC.
-to get promoted as soon as possible...I'm already bored with my job, there's absolutely no challenge in it for me. which sucks.
-to move to a new city...kindof have realized that DC isn't for me. which also sucks.
-to move to a city in another country...living in another culture besides my own was one of the best experiences of my life and I can't wait to do it again
-to get out of this slutty friends with benefits phase I've been in...for my entire sexual life...not that I don't love sex, don't get me wrong...but just once I'd like to be treated like a princess. Hint: guys who are hanging out with you just for sex don't treat you like a princess. ever.
-go back to church...it just feels like I should go back, that's a hard one to explain, but I definitely want to go back. Pancakes sound like a good start...
-to have an experience that makes me believe in love again...hint: a real life experience, not a movie.
I'll probably add more to this list later.
-to travel...ever since I've gotten back from Italy all I think about is going somewhere other than America. It doesn't even have to be back to Europe, I just want to go somewhere where I don't know exactly what's going on all the time. And yes there is something reassuring about be able to converse and read signs, but it's just too easy. A lot like how life is too easy right now...without challenge is there really reward?
-to be fluent in another language...enough said.
-to enjoy life, but be fit while doing it...this is tricky because I think it's a fine line. I want to be able to enjoy food and experiencing restaurants and fatty foods with friends, but I also want to look good...I need to start eating better.
-to do thing worth taking pictures of again...every night I find myself looking at pictures from Europe and how happy I was and how much I want to go back...I want to do things here while I'm here that I can take pictures of too and look back and enjoy memories of DC.
-to get promoted as soon as possible...I'm already bored with my job, there's absolutely no challenge in it for me. which sucks.
-to move to a new city...kindof have realized that DC isn't for me. which also sucks.
-to move to a city in another country...living in another culture besides my own was one of the best experiences of my life and I can't wait to do it again
-to get out of this slutty friends with benefits phase I've been in...for my entire sexual life...not that I don't love sex, don't get me wrong...but just once I'd like to be treated like a princess. Hint: guys who are hanging out with you just for sex don't treat you like a princess. ever.
-go back to church...it just feels like I should go back, that's a hard one to explain, but I definitely want to go back. Pancakes sound like a good start...
-to have an experience that makes me believe in love again...hint: a real life experience, not a movie.
I'll probably add more to this list later.
Am I doing it right?
So you grow up, you have hopes and dreams, it's so easy to graduate high school, get your bachelors, and get a job and start living life. But is that all? Is that all you really can do? Here I am, 22, graduated from school, living in a new city and supposedly "starting my life" and not only am I not satisfied, I feel like I am living in a cliche.
Let's look at the facts:
1) I'm working in a position that is fast tracked to management in an expanding and thriving company that allows associates to move successfully and frequently.
2) Not only am I already bored in that position, I'm beginning to resent my boss because I think I work harder than her. (work problems...cliche)
3) My week revolves around which nights I'm going to to out drinking and what happy hours I'm going to.
4) Instead of doing things I just sit at home and look at things I want to do.
5) I'm in the middle of a "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy I'm not even particularly fond of. (boy/sex problems...cliche)
6) I only talk to people from work. And when we hang out we always, without fail, end up talking about work.
I just feel that if I continue on this way, I'm going to end up 27, sitting in a bar, mingling with people who also just got off work and literally do the same thing. every. day.
So here's my thing...yes...I understand that my life is where everyone expected me to go and where I know I'm supposed to end up. But is this right? Am I really making the most of it?
Questions to ponder...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)